An Uss in the Gruss
Posted on Sep 18, 2011 02:05:14 PM
COMEDY OF THE WEEK – September 18, 2011
Sponsored by: ASS – Otherwise known as, The Association to Stop Swearing
AND NOW, PRESENTING THE HILARIOUS COMEDY:
An Uss in the Gruss
“Shut up, Henry!” Charlie yelled.
“ROARRR!” Henry exploded, ignoring Charlie and smashing his dinosaur into his block building. It smashed and crashed loudly to the floor. The noise startled poor Elsie who was playing nearby, and she started to cry.
“Charlie, don’t talk like that, and stop yelling at Henry,” I said as I picked up a teary Elsie in an attempt to comfort her. “Henry, really,” I said. “Do you have to do that?” I questioned, gesturing to the fallen tower of blocks. I don’t know why I asked such a ridiculous question. I knew from experience that of course Henry had to make noise, and asking him if it was really necessary was as laughable as asking Peeve if he needed to sniff other dogs’ poop.
“Yeah, Mom,” Henry answered matter-of factly without any acknowledgement to Charlie’s irritation or Elsie’s distress. “The dinosaurs have to DESTROY the buildings…ROARRRR!” he screamed again as he smashed his dinosaur into another pile of blocks, making a noise that was a little less startling but still pretty loud. Elsie whimpered as if she might start crying again, but she stopped as she became engrossed in watching Henry play.
“STOP!” Charlie yelled again. “You’re such a pain Henry!”
“Charlie, enough!” I scolded. “Henry’s just playing.”
“I don’t care,” Charlie said, shrugging his shoulders. “I have a test to study for. Henry, go somewhere else.”
“ROARRRR!” Henry yelled again as he looked right at Charlie. Charlie held his tongue briefly, giving Henry a look of controlled fury, but when Henry crashed his dinosaur into the block piles and began loudly chanting, “STEGASAURUS! STEGASAURUS!” Charlie lost it.
“Look, if you don’t get out of here I’m going to turn that STEGA-SORE-ASS into a MEGA-SORE-ASS…”
“CHARLIE!” I yelled, quickly interrupting him. “You can’t threaten your brother, and that language is beyond inappropriate. You can’t talk like that in front of him.”
“Like what?” Henry said, looking up as if he hadn’t been paying any attention anyway. He was use to Charlie getting a little irritated with him. I was momentarily relieved, thinking that the language had bypassed him, but then he added, “What? What, Mom?”
“Nothing, Henry,” I said, trying to change the subject.
“Oh, do you mean the ‘A’-‘S’-‘S’ word?” I looked at him with complete shock, and then I turned my astonished eyes on Charlie, thinking that he had something to do with this. Then Henry added, “It’s okay, Mom, I already know that word, but don’t worry, I won’t say it. We used that word at school the other day, but Kayla told me that it’s a swear.
“What do you mean you used it at school the other day?” I questioned.
“Well, Ms. Lutton was spelling the word ‘grass’ on the board, and Oliver said that if you take away the ‘G’ –‘R’ you get another word, and then Kayla said that it’s not another word, it’s a swear. She said that her older sister said that word, and her mom sent her sister to her room for, like, two weeks. She wasn’t even allowed to use the bathroom.”
“I’m not sure that is true Henry,” I said nervously laughing.
“Oh, yeah, it is,” he insisted. “Kayla says that her sister is really bad, and she gets punished all the time.”
“Okay, well, what did Ms. Lutton say about the word?”
“She said that in some of the chapter books she reads, the word ‘ass’ is an old –fashioned way to say ‘donkey,’ but she said that if you are not reading a book about a donkey, you shouldn’t say that word.”
“I think that is probably good advice. You really shouldn’t use that word at all, Henry.”
“Yeah,” Charlie piped in again, obviously listening and not concentrating so much on his studying, “your teacher is ASS-tonishingly smart, Henry.”
“Charlie, stop, that’s enough of that,” I said, as Charlie laughed and cracked himself up.
“Don’t worry, Mom,” Henry said, trying to assure me that he understood. “I don’t even use the letters ‘A’ – ‘S’ – ‘S’.”
“What do you mean you don’t use those letters? How can you not use those letters, Henry, they’re in lots of words?” I asked with confusion.
“Kayla showed me how to spell ‘GRASS’ with a ‘U’ instead.”
“Henry, you can’t change the spelling of things. There is no such word as ‘GRUSS.’”
“Well, I don’t care. I’m not taking any chances,” Henry said. “I don’t want to have to go to my room for two weeks.”
“Henry, you can use the letters ‘A’ – ‘S’ – ‘S’ when it is appropriate. If you replace those letters with ‘U’- ‘S’ –‘S’ instead, your teacher will think that you don’t know how to spell.”
“Yeah, Henry,” Charlie added. “If you’re going to use a swear, you have to spell it right,” and he laughed again, continuing to crack himself up with his own little stand up routine. He then continued with, “If you don’t spell things correctly in cl-ASS, you won’t be able to p-ASS.”
“Charlie, that’s it!” I angrily commanded. “You’re not helping. Just get out of here, and go to your room.”
Charlie didn’t move. He ignored me and just kept laughing with his usual voice-cracking cackle.
“See, Mom,” Henry said, as he attempted to explain the situation by pointing and then throwing his hands in the air. “You’re sending Charlie to his room ‘cause he keeps saying that word.”
“That’s not why I’m sending Charlie to his room, Henry. Charlie is just being rude and obnoxious, that’s why he needs to leave. He’s purposely trying to confuse you, and I really don’t appreciate it, Charlie,” I said, re-directing my attention to Charlie who was grunting and squawking out laughter with every breath. He had amused himself to the point of barely being able to speak, but he managed to add a few more words.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Mom. Are you ASS-king me to leave?” he mocked and laughed, and then continued testing me. “I will ASS-ume that you want me to apologize for har-ASS-ing you. Sorry, but, do I really have to go to my room because I’d much rather go play b-ASS-ketball, you know, and practice my p-ASS-es.” Charlie then erupted into fits of squeaky, side-splitting hysterics.
I was really angry with Charlie, now. His clever wit often interfered with the serious conversations that I tried to have with my younger children, and it really pissed me off. I was just about to let him have it, when Henry distracted me.
“Is Charlie swearing, Mom?” Henry asked, kind of confused. Henry’s lack of clarity with regard to this matter made me feel incredibly irritated because Charlie had obviously succeeded in completely defeating my attempts to properly explain how to correctly navigate the word ‘ASS’ for Henry.
“Damnit, Charlie! Just get the hell out of here! I said, exploding with frustration and complete lack of thought to my own vocabulary.
“OOOOOOoooo, Mom swore two times,” Charlie teased, as he finally started up to his room, still laughing with the up and down pitch of teen who’s laugh had not caught up with his voice change.
I tried to collect myself, but Henry looked pretty horrified with me.
“Whoa, Mom,” he said with astonished eyes. “That was really bad.”
I didn’t really know how to handle this anymore so I decided to play along with Charlie’s immature antics. I took a deep breath.“Fine! You know what, Charlie. Don’t go to your room!” I yelled. “I want you to get outside and start mowing that ‘GRUSS!’ Your father wanted you to do that days ago, and I’m tired of you procr-USS-tinating! GO!” I said, gesturing towards the door.
Charlie was still laughing hideously, and after hearing my own adaptations to his swearing game, he added snorting to his already distinctive and disturbing vocalizations of amusement. Henry and I watched as he smirked, trying to suppress his hideous noises, then quickly mashed his feet into his shoes, and went towards the door. As he passed by with his big, obnoxious grin, I said, “And quit acting like such an ‘USS!’” He erupted into fits of laughter again, and I kind of smiled too as the tension was released. Charlie went outside and shut the door. Henry looked at me and kind of smiled.
“You mean ‘ASS,’ right, Mom,” he said, very directly. “You want Charlie to stop acting like an ‘ASS,’ I get it,” he chuckled.
“What do you mean ‘you get it?” I asked kind of nervously and with confusion because I didn’t get it at all.
“Well, Charlie sounds just like a donkey when he laughs so this is one of those times when you said it would be ‘appropriate’ to use ‘ASS’ right?” he concluded, very pleased, and nodding his head to emphasize that he really understood my earlier explanations.
I wasn’t about to disappoint Henry, so I concurred. “Yes, Henry. Absolutely! This would be a very appropriate time to call Charlie an ‘ASS.’” Henry nodded his head and went back to playing with his dinosaurs, as I heard the lawnmower start.