Archive for the ‘Comedies of the Week’ Category

Manipulative Play

Posted on Sep 11, 2011 07:09:45 PM

COMEDY OF THE WEEK – SEPTEMBER 12, 2011

Sponsored by: Make-up-free Blush – This product is guaranteed to bring a youthful, pink glow to any woman over the age of 40, and best of all it is a perk that comes with having a husband and children who have mastered the tasteful art of embarrassing her in public. Side effects include: excessive redness, facial swelling, sweating, increased blood pressure, nervousness, and eye irritation.

AND NOW, PRESENTING THE HILARIOUS COMEDY:

Manipulative Play

“What are you doing?” I asked Charlie and Tucker when I caught up with them in the toy store. Henry and Elsie had previously been getting very squirmy as we waited to pay the check at the pizza place, so I had asked Charlie, Tucker and Lanie to please at least take Henry to the toy store up the street. That way, Tom and I would only have to entertain Elsie while we waited to pay the bill and finished our drinks. When we caught up with them, Charlie and Tucker were completely engrossed in some store video game, and Henry was nowhere to be found.

“Where’s Henry?” I asked.

“Oh I don’t know, he’s around here somewhere,” Charlie said nonchalantly as the game whistled, signaling victory. He and Tucker put their controllers down and casually made their way to the section of the store that had the remote control planes and helicopters.

Tom was behind me so I turned back to him with a small look of concern. “Do you see Henry anywhere?”

“No, I’m sure he’s fine,” said Tom looking past me and in the direction of Charlie and Tucker. “I’ll look for him over there,” he said, pointing to where Charlie and Tucker were now standing.

“Doesn’t anyone want to know where Henry is besides me?’ I said to Elsie as I tickled her. She crouched and pushed my hands away from her belly. I wasn’t too worried because I didn’t see Lanie either, and I figured that she was probably the responsible one who had actually followed Henry and was supervising him in the store.

I finally found Henry with Lanie. He was in the Lego section. He was carrying a shopping basket, and it was already full of Beyblades, Matchbox cars, and a few puzzles. He even had a Curious George monkey peeking out over the side of the basket with his mischievous grin that was daring me to ruin Henry’s apparent shopping spree.

“Henry what are you doing?” I asked trying to muster the same amount of feigned curiosity that seemed to have possessed that little stuffed monkey’s face.

“Oh, hi, Mom,” Henry said looking up briefly from the toy shelves and noticing that I was there. “I’m helping Lanie shop for my birthday, but I have some stuff in here that you can give me too.”

“Oh,” I replied, and his response had surprised me. I didn’t know quite what to say so I just looked at Lanie with a puzzled expression.

“Don’t look at me, Mom,” Lanie said, raising her eyebrows and shrugging her shoulders. “I can’t control him, I’m just watching him.” I smiled and raised my own eyebrows as I turned my attention back to Henry.

“Mom, come see what I want for my birthday,” he said enthusiastically.

“I can see, Henry. You have a lot of things in there.”

“Oh, no, this is just the small stuff. There are things that I need that don’t fit in the basket,” and I smiled as he took my hand and pulled me to Lego section so that I could get a better look at what he “needed.”

“I want this because it has the jet blasters on the sides that shoot out, but it comes in different colors so make sure that you get me the green one because the guy is a little different, and I like the green guy the best, but this store only has this blue guy, so I guess you’ll have to go to another place, but if you can’t find the green guy I like this one too so you could come here and get this one. Do you have a pen ‘cause you could write this down you know,” Henry said, finally taking a breath. I wondered if he wanted me to write it down because he knew I wasn’t really listening. My afternoon beer and pizza carbs had finally caught up with me, and now I was feeling sleepy. I really needed a little caffeine boost. I guess next time I’ll have to go with the Bailey’s Irish Cream dessert coffee instead of the beer.

“Mom…MOM!” Henry yelled, snatching my attention away from my alcoholic coffee daydream. “Mom,” he said again but much more quietly. I think he was nervous that his yelling might have put his toy requests in jeopardy, but he still followed with, “So, do you have a pen and paper in there,” and he pointed gingerly at my big bag.

“Henry, I don’t think I need to write this all down, I’m sure that you’ll remind me many times before its your actual birthday,” I tried to be gentle because he looked a little nervous.

“Okay, I’ll remind you,” he said taking my statement as an invitation to harass me with reminders for the next 21 days until his birthday, and then that sly little Henry said, “You know what though, Mom? You should really write all this down, and I’ll give the list to Grammy Vicki. She loves lists,” and he then gave me the crayon that he had put in his pocket from the restaurant, and his copy of the kids menu. “Here, just use this,” he said smiling innocently, but I swear, he has a mind just like a politician with the ability to twist his words into a coercive mumbo jumbo that gets me so wound up I comply because by the time he is done I think that I actually agree with him. Henry has a great future ahead of him I thought as I diligently took the crayon and menu and started taking notes.

I followed Henry around, carefully making the list for Grammy Vicki. I was sure she would appreciate the extra effort that I had to exert to write out these requests in crayon on a kids’ menu. She would probably be amused. “Okay, I guess that’s it,” Henry said, after showing me about 15 different Playmobil sets and 10 Star Wars Lego kits, “but tell Grammy Vicki that she should get me some surprises too.”

“Come on, Mom. I want to show you something too,” Lanie said. Apparently it was her turn now, and she took me to the dollhouse section. There was a farm displayed on the floor in this area for children to play with so I set Elsie on the floor. She immediately grabbed for one of the pigs and stuck his snout in her mouth. It seemed fairly durable so I let her chew while I looked at the dollhouse miniatures selection with Lanie. We spent about 5 minutes looking around at all the miniatures, and then she wanted to check out the crafts and art supplies.

“Tom,” I called to the back of the store where Tom and the boys were, “could you watch Elsie for a minute, Lanie wants to show me some more things.”

“Yeah.” Tom called back as he and the boys made their way to the front of the store.

“She’s right here,” I said pointing towards Elsie who was now happily sitting and checking out the cows, sheep and other farm animals. “Oh, and keep an eye on Henry too. He’s still over there in the Lego section, and could you please try not to let him put any more stuff in that basket. It’s getting heavy, and I think it’s going to take until tomorrow to put all of that stuff back.”

I went to the craft aisle with Lanie. She loves little projects and things, and she was so good at saving money that it seemed like she always had some money to spend. We spent about 10 minutes looking at all the little craft kits. She was trying to decide between the beaded jewelry kit, and a “paint your own” drawstring bag kit.

“So which one do you think would be more fun, Mom?”

I was thinking that the beads would be fun, but I was also thinking that the beads would probably spill and end up all over the floor. I’m not crazy about bead projects for this reason, and I was trying to weigh the guilt I would feel if I enthusiastically suggested the bag painting kit. “How about the…” and my reply was interrupted with Charlie’s hideous, voice-cracking eruption of laughter that was right on cue, as usual. The squeals of delight were echoed by both Tom, and Tucker.

“Bring those over here while you decide, Lanie,” I said walking towards the boys to investigate. They were all cracking up, and by the time I walked back over to where I had left Elsie, Charlie was clutching his stomach, doubled over in pain from laughing so hard. He looked at me, but couldn’t speak. He just pointed at the floor. Tucker was laughing, but he could still talk.

“Look, Mom,” Tucker said, in between laughs, and he also pointed to the floor where Elsie was sitting. Tom had turned his back, but I could see his shoulders shaking so I knew that he was laughing too.

“What?” I asked looking down. Elsie was smiling from all the attention and laughter that was happening around her, but all I could see was a little girl playing with farm animals. “What?” I said again. “What in the world is so funny about Elsie playing with the farm animals?”

They all just erupted into more hideous laughter, and I could feel the eyes of the other patrons in the store as they looked in our direction. I was feeling my face turn red with embarrassment, and now the joke was on me because I had no idea what everyone was laughing at.

“Uh, Mom,” Lanie said as she giggled and came to my rescue. “Did you see what the animals are doing?”

I looked down again, and realized that the pigs were not just in an innocent little pig pile as I had thought. These pigs were obviously “friends with benefits.” I looked around and it seemed that the cows, goats and sheep also had similar arrangements. I was horrified.

“Charlie, I can’t believe you. This is a children’s toy store. What are you thinking? I certainly hope no one else saw this?” I said as I quickly started separating the animals.

“Mom, it wasn’t me,” Charlie said, barely getting the words out as he erupted with more laughter.

“TOM!” I yelled, but he just laughed, neither admitting nor denying his involvement. I’d never know who had paired the animals so creatively, but as I continued to disassemble the farm fornication session, more people from the store gazed in our direction and tried to approach casually to see what we were laughing at. I felt like I needed to reprimand someone, but before I could accuse anyone else, Tucker said, “Don’t look at me, Mom.”

I knocked over and pushed the animals around so much that the farm now looked more like a set from the Wizard of Oz after the tornado moves through Auntie Em and Uncle Henry’s farm, but it was safer this way. The boys were still giggling, and I could still feel everyone’s eyes in the direction of my family.

“So which kit should I get, Mom?” Lanie now asked again, still holding both craft projects.

“How about the…” and once again, we were interrupted by Charlie’s voice-cracking cackle.

“What now?” and as I looked down, I saw Elsie standing the animals back up, and the pigs and the sheep were now sniffing each other’s butts. Everyone around me was cracking up laughing, and I joined in with a confusing mixture of laughter that made me cry. Lanie, I noticed, was not laughing. She felt that she was being ignored again, and she glared at me.

“Get the bag, Lanie,” I quickly suggested through my tears and giggles. “I’m so embarrassed right now I might just wear it on my head.”

“You’re not helpful, Mom,” she huffed as she returned to the craft aisle to ponder her purchase alone and in peace.

“What’s the matter, Mom?” Henry asked as he approached me and noticed my tear-stained face. “You can get something too?” he encouraged.

I felt like I was going to die of embarrassment as the store clerk was now peering over the counter to see that everything was okay.

“I might as well buy the farm,” I joked, hoping to laugh away my discomfort.

Henry looked at me with nervous confusion. “Okay, Mom, you can buy the farm for yourself, but you know that’s not what I want, right?”

I nodded, and continued laughing and crying.

Hot Cross Buns

Posted on Sep 4, 2011 06:24:37 PM

COMEDY OF THE WEEK – September 4, 2011

Sponsored by: Well Done 101 – This is the process in which your children ask you a question or request that you do something because they assume that you have the knowledge to meet their needs. They continue to poke, prod, and ask questions and slowly realize that you have no idea what you are talking about or that you have been hiding a secret. By the time they are through, you will feel like a small, unimpressive piece of meat that is charred beyond recognition.

AND NOW, PRESENTING THE HILARIOUS COMEDY:

Hot Cross Buns

“Mom, what’s for dinner?” Lanie whined as she came into the kitchen. I always hate this question because she really expects me to know every detail about our evening meal, and although I try to plan everything ahead of time, this was one of those days where nothing excited me. I had originally planned to have hamburgers, but Tom was not home to grill them.

“ I don’t know, Lanie, I’m working on that.” I said with some irritation.

“Well it’s at least going to be food, right?” she questioned with her sassy little sarcasm that I could hardly scold her for because she had learned it from me. I did glare at her. “What!?” she shrugged, “I’m just asking,” and she stormed off quickly before I had a chance to react. I went back to reading my celebrity news magazine while I thought about what else I could cook. I had a fridge full of hotdogs and hamburgers because Tom had said that he would come home early to grill, but it was now 6:02pm and Tom was still not home.

“Hey, what’s for dinner,” Charlie said as he came in and opened the fridge. He fumbled around for a moment and grabbed the package of deli cheese. He opened it inside the fridge and stood there long enough to make the door alarm go off.

“Hey, don’t eat all my cheese. I just bought that for the hamburgers,” I said.

“Mom, there’s a ton of cheese here. I’m not going to eat it all,” he explained as he took a large bite of what looked to be about three slices stacked together. “So are we having hamburgers?” Charlie asked as he continued to stand inside the doors of the fridge, and the door alarm continued to beep.

“Oh, we’re having hamburgers tonight?” Tucker said as he too entered the kitchen.

“BEEP, BEEP, BEEP” the piercing alarm of the fridge was taunting and successfully annoying me.

“Charlie, will you just get out of there and shut the door. That is not your own personal little air conditioner,” and I could feel my stress levels increasing along with the inside temperature of the fridge. “And, no, Tucker, we are not having hamburgers. I think we’ll just have some ‘mac and cheese.” I always had a box of that on hand and just knowing that this meal could be ready in minutes calmed me down. Most women would probably not stress at the thought of having to cook hamburgers for dinner, but I had been harboring a secret for years, and I was worried that I was about to be found out.

“Awww, come on, Mom,” Tucker pleaded. “I’m sick of ‘mac and cheese,” he whined.

“Yeah,” Charlie concurred. “Why can’t we just have hamburgers? You have all the stuff.”

“No Charlie. I bought that ‘stuff’ because your dad wanted to grill for dinner, and he’s not here. I’ll just save the hamburgers for tomorrow night instead, and maybe your dad will be home to cook them tomorrow.”

“I doubt that Dad is going to mind if YOU cook the hamburgers instead of him. Let’s just have them. “

“We can’t, Charlie. I think we’re all out of gas.”

“Well, I’m not out of gas,” Tucker exclaimed as he ripped one of the loudest, juiciest farts I had ever heard. It even ended in a tone that sounded like a question.

“Get out of here. That’s disgusting. I don’t want to hear that again,” I yelled as if being loud and scolding Tucker was really going to have any impact on his ability to fart on cue. He pranced out of the kitchen, cackling like a wild hyena. I tried not to look at Charlie because I knew I was about to laugh too, and I didn’t want to lose my serious “mom” composure, but our eyes met, and I broke into a small fit of giggles.

“No, seriously, Mom,” Charlie said composing himself and not finding Tucker’s interruption nearly as funny as I now did, “I was just at the hardware store with Dad. He just got a refill.”

“I got a refill!” Tucker yelled from the hallway, obviously listening to the affects of his little gassy joke.

“Go away, Tucker,” I said in my ‘I mean business’ tone. I heard him run upstairs.

“Charlie, your dad really likes to grill. I don’t want to spoil his fun by grilling for him.” I started to fib, and wondered if Charlie could tell.

“What’s the big deal?” Charlie shrugged.

“I’m just not cooking those hamburgers tonight. That’s your father’s job. He likes to grill, and I hate it. I’m going to just save that for him to do tomorrow,” I stated with a little annoyance and nervous exclamation because I was certain that Charlie was about to discover my secret.

Charlie paused like he was thinking and then he questioned, “Mom, do you know how to use the grill?” I didn’t answer, and tried to suppress a guilty and uncomfortable little smile.  “Oh, my god, MOM! You don’t know how to use the grill,” and I swear he yelled it loud enough for the whole house and possibly the neighborhood to hear. He started laughing loudly, and he couldn’t stop. He clutched his stomach as if he was doubling over in pain, and he couldn’t catch his breath. Apparently this discovery proved to be even funnier than Tucker’s kitchen fart.

“I know how to grill,” I said, trying to defend myself.

“What have you ever grilled, Mom? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you grill, now that I think about it.  Oh, my god, I can’t believe you don’t know how to use the grill,” he stated again, quieter this time, but still laughing.

“I’ve grilled before,” I said, still trying to defend myself, but I knew that my attempts were futile. My secret was out, and I could tell that Charlie was going to enjoy to continue ‘grilling’ me about this new discovery.

“When have you ever grilled?” he asked again, still chuckling.

“I’ve grilled….cheese sandwiches,” I said, and lucky for me his laughter was contagious, and I started giggling too. I kind of agreed that it was pretty lame that I didn’t know how to use the grill.

“Ah, yeah,” he said smiling. “Grilled cheese doesn’t count, Mom. I can’t believe you can’t grill,” he said again and just to rub it in further he added a “Wow!” and shook his head in disbelief. He paused as if thinking and regaining his composure. “Can I grill?” he asked as he stopped laughing. He was suddenly serious and hopeful as he raised his eyebrows at me.

“Do you know how to grill?”

“Yeah. I watch Dad all the time. It’s no big deal, Mom,” he added in an attempt to assure me that he could do it, but his words made me feel like an idiot. He then added “It’s easy,” and his insistence that he could do it and his explanation as to how he would do it just perpetuated my feelings of my own inadequacies with meat in general. I was feeling hot and frustrated and my embarrassment was causing me to baste in my own marinade of sweat.  Charlie was still explaining his extensive knowledge with regard to grilling hamburgers, but I was now feeling really helpless and embarrassed. His explanations made everything sound so simple that I really felt like a loser.

“Fine, fine,” I interrupted. “Obviously you know what you are doing. Here!” I said, and I handed him the package of pre-made patties. He took them nonchalantly, but there was a spark of excitement in his hands as he took the package. I hoped that would be the only sparks I noticed, as Charlie took the package outside and turned on the grill. I decided to make a salad. At least I knew that I was good with vegetables, and cutting and chopping might take away some of my frustration.

“Can I do this for you all the time, when Dad’s not home?” Charlie called from outside.

“Absolutely!” I yelled, peeling the skin off a cucumber. I felt really small and stupid as Charlie stood out there grilling away because it was “no big deal.” I could probably do it if someone would just show me how the damn grill works, but it is one of Tom’s toys that I prefer not to play with. This was really all his fault anyway, because he promptly lost the directions when he purchased the new grill, and I’m not very confident with experimenting and trying to figure things out. Tom knows that I need to follow a plan and instruction. I bet he lost those grill instructions on purpose. I wouldn’t feel so stupid if Tom had just gotten home on time. If he had been home, he would have been able to grill, and then I wouldn’t have had to even think about it , and Charlie would never have confronted me and revealed my little secret. Charlie must think I’m really stupid, and it’s all Tom’s fault.

This conversation with myself continued in my head as I continued to wash and cut vegetables for the salad, and it was going to be the best damn salad anyone had ever tasted. I would show them that it didn’t matter that I didn’t grill because at least I knew what a vegetable was. I was really getting myself worked up. It didn’t make sense that with all the things I was capable of, I had never learned how to grill. It just made me angry because I knew that it was probably so very simple, but I just didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of cooking with fire, and gas not to mention all the bugs and spiders that lived inside the grill. I was still angry and frustrated with myself when Charlie called from outside.

“Mom, do you have the hamburger buns?”

“Yeah” I yelled back,  as I grabbed the bag of rolls and backed into the door pushing it open with my own little package. I might not know how to grill, but at least Tom would be happy with my hot, cross buns. He thought they were sexy.